


For You I'd Ruin Myself A Million Little Times

by Ice_Cold_Beauty



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I just had this weird headcanon after listening to this song, M/M, danseur!Eiji, first time writing angst so yeah, so hear we are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:55:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26994775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ice_Cold_Beauty/pseuds/Ice_Cold_Beauty
Summary: Ash has no idea how the topic sprung up but all he knows is that Eiji has Nadia’s old ballet shoes in his hands.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 14
Kudos: 98





	For You I'd Ruin Myself A Million Little Times

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah this one contains a bit of ballet (and I don't know shit about it). All my knowledge about the art form comes from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWLy4IKgd1M) and [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYSHg3SajIY) video. If you don't know anything (just like me) I suggest you watch them first. There could definitely be mistakes so feel free to point them out. Okay, I'm done.

Ash has no idea how the topic sprung up but all he knows is that Eiji has Nadia’s old ballet shoes in his hands.

Nadia had developed a certain sort of liking for Eiji and Ash knows it is because of his manners and polite demeanor. When they went to Chand Dai so that Ash could have a private chat with Shorter, Eiji insisted on helping Nadia. Nadia was blooming when he helped and complimented her dishes. That resulted in Shorter getting an earful on how he never helps her in the kitchen even though Ash was pretty sure he does.

It was easy for Eiji to communicate with anyone. He always saw the positive in people even if they were ruthless murderers. Nadia always smiled when Eiji was around and Ash is pretty sure that she has almost adopted him as her second younger brother. 

So yeah, Ash doesn’t know much - he was preoccupied in a conversation with Shorter - but the next thing he knows is that Eiji has ballet shoes in his hands and he is ready to go. Ash looks at the shoes questioningly - not inquiring the origin but the purpose - but no amount of looks seems to deter the boy’s spirit. SO Ash shrugs and lets him have it.

For quite a few days, the shoes just sit there inside the side table beside Eiji’s bed. Ash wonders if Eiji just took them because he didn’t want to dishearten Nadia (even though that could never be the case). Even when Ash comes back from dealing with some business, the shoes are untouched. He knows he hasn’t spent a lot in decorating their _home_ so he lets the shoes work in space of some intricate article.

In fact the shoes remain untouched for months to go. A lot happens in that duration. Ash goes back to New York and is reunited with his gang. Shorter… Nadia left for China, not wanting to live in the States now that her brother was gone. She didn’t say anything to Ash, just left. In a way, it was for the best. Ash had no idea how he would face her. Arthur is constantly getting on his nerves and he has a brand new enemy (Yay).

But even when everything was changing, Eiji remains a constant in his life. (And he hopes, desperately, that he can keep it that way).

When they were shifting to the condo, Ash saw the shoes and took them with him. He had no idea if Eiji was ever going to use them, but the shoes reminded him of the nicer and gentler times when his best friend was by his side. In fact, he finds himself wishing that the shoes never get used.

***

It starts on an abrupt midnight. Ash wakes up to the sound of a soft pitter patter of steps. He jolts awake and notices Eiji is not on his bed. He rummages for a gun under his pillow. Engaging the weapon, he stealthily walks towards the hall, where the light is turned on. He makes no sound when he opens their bedroom door.

Ash is very thankful that he didn’t shoot blindly because he doesn’t think he could live with shooting Eiji point blank on his head. The older man has his back facing towards Ash, blissfully unaware of the panic that he caused for him.

Ash pushes the door further open - only a crack more - and investigates the scene in front of him. He locks his gun and sits down. 

Eiji is practicing the five basic positions and Ash can see that he had done those steps at least a thousand times when he was younger or maybe a few years ago. It was all in his muscle memory. There is an innate grace when he moves, like he belongs on a stage and not with some mafia leader (of course). Even when he is just practicing his basics with some urgency in his actions, he is _flowing._

How did Ash recognize the steps? Because he had learnt the dance form himself. In fact, he also knows how to play the violin. Dino had put a ton of money in him to learn all the luxurious pass times. He might have even developed a liking for the art forms had he not remembered crystal clear what would happen to him after the classes.

(Ash has a good laugh when he thinks of the reaction of gang members if they ever come to know that he used to be a danseur.) 

He has no idea how long he sees Eiji work. Minutes tick by with Eiji working on his flexibility. Eiji checks how far he can split his legs then pushes himself a little more to try and touch the ground. Then he stands up on the tips of his toes and counts how long he can hold that position. (Less than three minutes).

He does not understand why watching Eiji is so relaxing. He is literally doing nothing, for fuck’s sake. But for some reason he can’t take his eyes off of him. He can’t place a finger on why exactly those actions were captivating, but it is. He thinks that if he could spend the night resting his head on the doorframe with his knees to his chest while watching Eiji prepare himself to do some actual ballet. 

It was like Eiji was a magnet and he was a meagre piece of steel that was bound to get attracted. He doesn’t think that he can ever be the opposite pole, even though they are pretty much opposites. He doesn’t think he can hold the promise of staying together for eternity. No he can’t, and he knows that. Instead he is that steel that will fall off of the magnet because of its own weight.

In the last twenty minutes, Eiji tries _chaînés_ . He starts with stretching his leg out in a _tendu devant_ in the front and his arm up in the third position, all crisp and elegant. He stands on his toes in a _relevé_ and slowly turns inwards towards his left. For a moment, Ash suspects Eiji sees him but he carries on and the younger male finds himself relaxing a bit. He does two more turns slowly, then comes back to the starting point and tries it again, faster. Eiji allows himself a satisfied grin and Ash can feel the emotion making its way to his chest. His chest bubbles up with ecstasy and pride. 

In the last ten minutes of his practice, Eiji tries his _pirouette_. Ash can see the positions and make that out. The Japanese male has changed his position so that Ash can view Eiji’s side profile. Eiji takes a deep breath and so does Ash. The older man does a little on-the-spot jog, clearly nervous. Ash gets up; he feels the need to prepare himself in case Eiji injures himself.

Eiji places his hands low in the first position and nods to himself, giving himself some assurance. Ash has started doubting his decision too, after all, he doesn't know how much of a qualified danseur Eiji was. He keeps his heels together, feet pointed outwards while his fingers pointed inwards. So far, so good. He then lifts up his arms in front of himself and holds that position for a few seconds to reassure himself, again. 

Ash understands why he is nervous - it is because of his ankle injury. The younger male has already opened the door a bit further, so that he can reach the scene in time in case of an unwanted accident.

He goes on to open his arms and does a _tendu_ to the side. He circles his toe back in a _ronde de jambe_ followed by squatting in a _plié_ in the fourth position. Ash finds himself getting curious by each passing second; if Eiji can pull out that complex turn or not. He had taken a month to get it right. At the very base, he just wants to test Eiji’s qualification as a danseur.

From there, he lifts his back leg up in a _retiré_ and puts it back down, exhaling three times. In a swift move, he pulls his legs back up, the arch of his sole framing his knee, and turns around. His landing is wobbly but his face is ignited with pure joy. 

“Yes!” Eiji exclaims and Ash feels the giddy warmth of accomplishment in his chest. He does not remember the last time felt such genuine mirth. 

Eiji calms himself down and tries the _pirouette_ again. Except in the very last second, he adds a _fouette_. Ash’s brows shoot up in surprise. He grips the edges of his shirt to stop himself from clapping; he doesn’t want to out his secret yet. The landing is still a bit uncertain but it is way cleaner than Ash had anticipated. He doesn’t feel the urge to clap out of politeness but rather reverence - he hasn’t seen anyone dance with that delicate yet firm grace yet. Hell, Ash was nowhere close when he used to dance. And his teacher, who was revered for her art, had told him that he was supposed to be good.

Eiji is removing his shoes when Ash starts to doubt if Eiji is a rather well known danseur. That fact won’t change anything between them but Ash feels the necessity to know. Eiji had told him he was a pole vaulter and had also shown him his skill (that memory will forever be embedded in his mind) but he never mentioned anything about ballet.

Ash picks up his gun and goes back to his bed before Eiji can suspect anything.

Tomorrow he’ll ask Ibe.

***

“It’s a bit complicated.” Shunichi says, “He does dance but not professionally.”

Ash quirks an eyebrow.

“It’s actually a very funny story.” The photographer says with a reminiscent smile on his face. “You see my niece and Eiji’s sister saw a ballerina on the TV once and they decided from that moment that they wanted to learn that art. So they went for one lesson - they were probably five or six - and they were very intimidated because there weren’t any students of their age. My sister casually mentioned that they should take Eiji with them to feel comfortable with other students - and Eiji still hasn’t forgiven her for that. After a lot of begging and puppy eyes, they manage to coax Eiji into learning ballet with them - Eiji just can’t deny them anything; and more times and not he’s found himself in trouble for that.”

Ash snorts. That was so typical of Eiji.

“But why do you ask?”

“Uh, I saw him with ballet shoes - Nadia gave them to him - and I was wondering if he did know how to dance.”

“Oh, he does and he is quite proficient in it too. He would have made a good danseur if he wasn’t so driven for pole vaulting.” Shunichi takes a sip from the terrible tea Max has prepared and pales, but gulps it down. Ash wants to tell him that he really doesn’t have to be polite with Max for that sorry excuse of tea but he’s already downed it like a shot. Max proceeds to pour more when he isn't looking. “Did you ever get to see him dance, though?” Shunichi looks down at the tea and Ash can point the exact moment when the man contemplates death.

Ash shakes his head, not wanting to out their little secret.

Shunichi promptly ignores the tea and brings back that vibrant smile and says, “If you ever get the chance or time, you should. I personally haven’t gotten many chances to view it - he is generally very shy about his talent - but my sister and his mother always say that he doesn't dance; he _flows_ . When he dances, it is hard to look away. My sister once said that out of the three of them, Eiji connects to his dance; you can _feel_ the emotion he is portraying. His mother would say that watching him was liberating and - how do you say it? - inspiring.” He turns away from the tea. “That’s what I have heard, but I’ve seen him pole vault, so I know that they aren’t singing any faulty praises.”

Ash thanks him and walks across the hall to talk to Alex before Max and serve him any tea.

***

It falls into a routine from that day. Every night, Eiji would wake up, put on his ballet shoes, roll up the carpet and commence his practice. He would leave the door ajar so Ash could hear the moment he actually starts his ballet after his warm-up, though Ash has no idea if the action is deliberate or merely a coincidence. (He finds himself wishing it was the latter).

Somewhere in the whole ordeal, Ash learns a language that only Eiji and him speak. He understands when Eiji laughs a little too loud, he wasn’t getting the innuendo that Kong had made. Or when Bones bought everyone a cup of pumpkin spice latte, his eyes gleamed and there was a spark of mischief in those orbs. Or when his gang members would discuss an outing that they had to make for business, his head would bow down and he would busy himself in playing with his sleeves, feeling helpless. Or if Eiji was ever unlucky to watch him leave, he would fist his hands to his side and have that painful smile all the while making a joke how he shouldn’t worry his _wife_ by staying out late.

He could hear Shorter snorting in his head and accuse him of being absolutely smitten by the boy. And maybe, just _maybe_ , he was right.

One night, Alex and the guys stay a little too long and Eiji starts, indiscreetly, stretching his toes. When their eyes meet, Eiji quickly brings his legs back and pointedly looks away from Ash. Ash shakes his head and smiles to himself. He shoos off the guys after that saying that they would discuss further tomorrow. He swiftly readies himself for bed and waits for fifteen convincing minutes when Eiji gets up again and begins his practice.

Eiji feels assured of his progress because that day he tries jumps. He starts with some basic _sautés_ in the first and second positions and increases the difficulties till he reaches the _pas de chat_. He does the jump twice across the hall and Ash can feel him brimming with confidence. 

Ash doesn't even realize when he got that silly smile on his face while he was watching Eiji. He holds his breath when Eiji jumps and releases it when he lands. Every time his legs leave the floor, Ash can feel one less worry clouding his head. Watching Eiji perform was almost like meditating (not that Ash would know what that is but he feels at peace watching Eiji perform). He is completely drawn to each and every movement of his muscles - which are awfully carved from a combination of exercises involved in ballet or pole-vaulting or both. He feels himself losing all his defences and just plainly complimenting the man who was performing that beautiful dance for him. 

Immediately after his _pas de chat_ , he moves onto _saut de chat_ and pays for not stretching before that jump. His jerk before leaving the ground was a tad bit more which causes him to clench onto his thighs, hissing in agony, after his wobbly landing. Ash feels bad for laughing at his pain (in his defence, it was a bit funny).

But karma is very real and a concerned Alex passes out the question the next day: “Why is Eiji walking funnily?”

Ash waves off the inquiry but Kong persists and asks Eiji, with a wicked smile on his face, “Did you have some midnight adventures last night?”

Eiji blushes a deep red, clearly thinking about his failed attempt at _saut de chat_. He fervently shakes his head saying, “I-It’s nothing like that” and limps back into their room.

Ash could feel every eye in the room turn towards him and they weren’t even being subtle about it. Sing wiggles his eyebrows suggestively, Bones is trying hard not to whistle, Alex coughs and busies himself on the tab, Cain is openly laughing at the reactions and Kong is looking at Ash with widened eyes.

Ash feels his blood rushing to his cheeks. He should deny the assumed accusation but at that moment he only roars a “Get back to your work.” 

Shorter had once said that if Ash and Eiji ever decided to fall in love with each other (the original statement was a bit more rougher than that), no one would be surprised.

And…

Oh, well.

***

Slowly, Ash realises how much he wants Eiji to be with him.

He wants to relive that moment when they went to Central Park and when Ash wasn’t looking - he just pretends that he wasn't so Eiji won’t feel bad - Eiji dumped a bunch of red and orange leaves on Ash. Ash takes the petty approach of vengeance and pushes him into the pile but what he didn’t expect was Eiji pulling him down with him. They stay there for a few moments laughing at each other’s idiocy before they had to move out to stay safe.

He wants to have every moment where Eiji teaches him how to cook his favorite Japanese cuisines (except natto, thank you very much) and they just can't help but make a mess of the pristine kitchen. In those moments, he is just another seventeen year old boy. 

He wants to keep pretending that he is oblivious to Eiji’s _sneaky_ attempts at stealing candids and then patiently wait for the day when EIji will show him those pictures.

He wants to keep watching Eiji get lost in his own rhythms as he dances like he is presenting his art to the Gods. 

He wants to lose all his defenses. He wants to feel loved. He wants to be protected from his own head. He wants to laugh. He wants to forget. He wants… everything.

And maybe that’s why he so easily asks Eiji to stay with him instead of his usual persistence of sending him away.

Eiji teases him by asking him to repeat that statement and he blushes a deep red shoving the older man off but little does he know that he would beg on his knees if that would make Eiji stay with him.

That night Eiji dances like a faery: bouncing in the air and radiating pure unadulterated ecstasy. He challenges himself by trying the thirty-two _fouettes_ from _Swan Lake_ . After the twenty-eighth turn (Ash had managed twenty when he was younger. He had also received a _reward_ for his try), he collapses on the ground, his lungs begging for air but his face holds an expression of another worldly happiness which stops Ash in the very last moment from going out to help him.

***

Ash feels his body burn. Normally, he only ever feels cold. But his skin is revolted from the failed attempt at coaxing out answers from a pedophile by sleeping with him and then threatening him at gunpoint. He felt his surroundings go even colder - as if that was possible - when the old man gets shot in his head. He quivers silently beside the bed after destroying the light source in the room. His breathing grows shorter when he thinks that he could have died just a second ago.

But what Ash doesn’t understand is since when did he start fearing death? His brain chants him the answer: _Since Eiji._ Did Eiji really provide him with a will to live? He draws his legs closer and feels the salt of his tears on his lips.

_Why?_

_Why now?_

When he goes back to the condo - _home?_ \- Eiji smiles wide, unaware of what Ash had done. He accepts Ash more than Ash could ever accept himself. Ash allows himself to be a bit selfish and embraces Eiji. If only momentary, he wants that comfort. He already has a faint idea who might be behind his life, but he hopes Eiji will be spared.

Eiji dances for him tenderly. Slow and soft moments that are a part of an act; he knows that at least. Every night, Eiji selects a different piece from his memory and steals Ash’s worries and attention with it. He has a turn or a jump or a step for each of his emotions. And because humans are complicated species, Eiji creates a unique choreography only for himself each night - and Ash watches him like a voyeur. 

Eiji is a few meters away, yet Ash feels like he is pulled close in a tight embrace.

***

Ash uses the last bit of his energy to beg Blanca to spare Eiji. He could take him instead, but please let Eiji go.

Eji doesn’t dance that night - he still has a bit of fever.

***

Ash cries silently when Eiji performs, that night, with a bandage tied to his hand. This was probably going to be the last time he gets to see him; he’s pretty sure once he surrenders himself to Dino, he’s never going to get out. It would be the same routine again. Wake up to sex and sleep to sex. Get kissed roughly whenever Dino wanted. Get fucked over and over again and then once more. In a few hours, he is going to be that asshole’s toy again; used and thrown whenever pleased. He’ll be going to the same hell where _consent_ is just another word in the dictionary. No happiness, no joy. No love.

It was all over.

Ash can see Eiji is cross with him. Eiji would deny all such claims with a smile on his face but Ash notices that there is a tad bit more momentum when the older male does his _pirouettes_. Ash knows the reason for the anger - he has been keeping a lot of secrets recently and while Eiji is usually understanding, he doesn’t understand why Ash came back the day before yesterday with so many wounds.

But that night, it seems, even Eiji can bring out Ash from his trance. Ash only had himself to blame for it - Eiji is too lost in his own thoughts to connect with his dance.

Ash dries his tears and mentally goes over his plan. He already has the papers. When Eiji passes out, he’ll carry him to Ibe and then… nothing. 

A momentary smile appears on his face when he thinks about a recent dream - a stark contrast from his perpetual nightmares - that he had. It was just him and Eiji in an open field. There was a bright sun overhead. He had no guns, no blood of his friends in his hands. A new start. Ash wants to laugh at his absurd hope.

Ash is pulled out from his thoughts from a sudden wince. In front of him, Eiji is crouching down and holding his injured ankle. _Great_! Now he’s even physically hurt Eiji.

Maybe he deserves it - he thinks to himself as he moves towards his bed - Eiji is a kind and generous man and he shouldn’t be receiving all of that hellish treatment just because Ash wouldn’t let him leave. He direly wishes that the gun, that Yut Lung had handed to him, had bullets -

“Don’t you think it’s rude of you to leave me there when you saw me get hurt but did nothing?”

Ash smiles to himself. Of course, he knew. He turns on the lamp, pushes Eiji on his bed and massages his ankle.

“Do you know ballet? The way that you see me makes me feel like you do.”

“Yes, I do.” There is a beat of silence after which Eiji starts laughing. Ash frowns. “What?”

“I just imagined you in a tutu.” He says while gasping for breath.

Ash rolls his eyes. “I thought you knew I wouldn’t have to wear them. Although, I think you did, at some point.” His answering blush made Ash laugh. “Oh God, you did!”

Eiji tries to mask his smile with a scowl but he’s doing a very bad job. “In my defence, it was the last resort.”

“How so?”

“A ballerina had an allergic reaction to something -”

“And they replaced her with a _male_?”

“Well, we had similar dimensions - and my teacher said I was good -”

“You are.”

“Thank you. So yeah, that happened.” He ends it with a shrug.

Ash lays down beside him. It was one of those nights when Ash sleeps - or rather pretends to sleep - with his clothes on, ready to flee any moment. He thinks for a moment and then says, “Did you wear a wig and make-up too?”

Eiji hides his face behind his hands and Ash lets out yet another fitful of laughter. God, will he ever laugh like this again? Eiji mutters a “Please stop teasing me” from under the veil of his hands.

“You make it hard not to.” Eiji shoves him in the ribs which only prompts Ash to laugh louder. 

The older man turns to shut off the lamp pretending that he is still furious with Ash for teasing him but does not sleep. “Say Ash, will you ever dance with me?”

Ash has wanted to dance with him ever since he first saw Eiji practice in the living room. “Sure. Although, I don’t know if we are compatible for each other.”

“Of course, we are.” He presses a reassuring hand on top of his. Ash tries to absorb a lifetime worth’s warmth. He’s going to need it.

“I don’t have shoes.” Eiji grins ear to ear beside him. “You didn’t.”

“I did.” He walks over to his bedside cabinet and pulls out a pair of shoes. Ash tries on a shoe with Eiji squatting low and twisting his leg in different angles to check for flexibility. “Are they comfortable?”

Ash looks at his foot and for the first time doesn’t think about Dino. He thinks about himself dancing side-by side with Eiji, lost in their own music. Sometimes, they stop and laugh at each other because they are such utter dorks. He thinks about Eiji guiding his arms and legs into proper position since he has so conveniently forgotten. He thinks about matching with Eiji's prowess in the art and getting a genuine smile or a hug as a reward. He thinks about happiness and love. Just the two of them and no one else to hinder them.

Ash merely nods and smiles.

“Will you dance with me tomorrow, then?”

Ash doesn’t want to lie. But what is he supposed to do when Eiji is looking at him with those big doe eyes. God, forgive him for this. “Yes.”

***

Eiji turns in his sleep and flings an arm around Ash’s waist, pulling him closer. Ash wants to put his hand over his and assure him that he isn’t going anywhere and is safe. But he just can’t bring himself to do that. Ash finds himself choking on a sob. _Why did it have to be like this? Will I ever get out of this?_

Ash doesn’t want to go back to that life. Not when he has this.

But if he wants Eiji to live, then he has to. For Eiji, he’d give himself up in a heartbeat. Only for Eiji.

He clenches on his shirt, near Eiji’s hand but Eiji shifts and places his hand on top of Ash’s.

For the first time, he finds himself _hoping_ for a miracle.

_Please, let me have this._

**Author's Note:**

> If you're wondering where the title came from, it's [ this song ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLV2SJKWk4M)  
> Leave me a comment?
> 
> Here's my [Tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/justficit)


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